Oh, snap, I'm not crazy after all!

My anxiety/depression have been at all-time highs lately. It's some scary shit, honestly. I don't like being so out of control of my emotions. As I sat on my family doctor's exam table today, for the second time in a week, hyperventilating slightly (but, hey, at least I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably this time!) and listed off all the reasons I'm so anxious, I had an epiphany: Holy fuck, I'm not actually nuts, this shit is stressful and it's ok that it's stressing me out.

And now I shall list for you all the reasons I am currently slightly unstable The Sound Of Music Style. Sing along with me: These are a few of my least favorite things!

1. I've had two major sinus surgeries in the last six months, which were insanely painful and not terribly effective.
2. I'm sick again. It's been two weeks See Number 1.
3. My husband is in grad school and is traveling a lot for work. Now, let's not all skew that into me complaining or being angry about my darling husband having the NERVE to be gainfully employed and to continue his education. I'm proud of him. Prouder than he probably knows. He does all this and still finds time to spend with Ellie and me and help around the house. But it's not easy on me. He's gone more than he's here, and it's just......HARD. I miss him and I'm exhausted from doing everything when he's gone.
3a. Every time Brian gets on a plane I have a massive freak out. The kind where I imagine something terrible happening to him (plane crash, hotel fire, car accident) and I kick myself for not telling him I loved him just one more time, not kissing him one more time, even though I always do both more times than are even a little bit necessary. But the thought of never seeing him again is terrifying to me. I kind of like him, I guess.
4. IVF timing. The doctors have told us that if we don't try for another baby soon, we probably won't be able to have more. They've also implied that we were incredibly lucky it worked the last time, given my poor response to the protocol, and that we'll be lucky if it works again, even if we do it ASAP. So here we are, on the brink of trying again, but I'm not sure we would be if we hadn't had those comments from the doctors. I don't know if I'm ready, I don't know if Ellie is ready, and if this works the next baby will come right when Brian's finishing up grad school. That could either be really good or really bad, depending on whether or not he's in the middle of finals or something.
4a. The fact that we are once again at the mercy of IVF and not able to build our family on our own goddamn timeline pisses me off to no end.
5. My uncle is on the loose again, probably homeless, and definitely stoned out of his mind. And since he was desperate enough to break into my grandparents' house to steal their drugs, I figure he's desperate enough to do that to me, too. Paranoid? Yes, absolutely. But still.....
6. My constantly being sick is eventually going to piss off all the people I work with and for, and I imagine at some point I'll lose my job, so I've been dragging myself to work even when I feel like I've been run over by a truck. I'm sure it's helping he heal faster.
7. I need to slowly taper of all of my meds that are currently keeping me sane before this next round of IVF, and that terrifies me.
8. My cousin died on Saturday. I wasn't close to her; we have a big family and she was a 2nd or 3rd cousin. But her oldest daughter is a year older than me and we're very close. I'm so sad for her and her siblings I can't even express it.
9. I don't care what everyone keeps saying about my grandparents improving. I can hear my grandpa struggling to breathe when I talk to him on the phone, and my grandma still has Parkinson's. It's only a matter of when, not if, and although I am fully aware of how unhealthy it is for me to take that attitude about it, I just can't help it. Whenever the phone rings, I have a feeling it's going to be bad news. It doesn't help that Grandpa has a habit of staying up until about 10:30 or 11, then calling our house. Jesus, man, are you trying to send me to an early grave?

I think that's it. I'll probably think of more later, but as I listed those off to my doctor today, it was fairly cathartic in a way, because I got validation from someone other than the voice inside my head that, yes, in fact, I do have a lot of shit on my shoulders right now, and it's okay if I can't handle it all without some help, medication or otherwise.

And that, my friends, might be enough to allow me to sleep tonight. We shall see.