How to give a cat a pill - a/k/a/ Phoebe is costing us more money

So Phoebe, the stray who showed up on our back steps last summer and cost us $700 in vet bills between the spaying and the front declawing (and I don't want to hear a word from any of you about declawing, thankyouverymuch), and blah, blah, blah, and who has now this summer managed to drag shit across my carpet and cost me $120 in vet bills to take care of that plus the money it costs to shampoo the carpet, now has an upper-respiratory infection. Since the vet just saw her for vaccinations on Saturday, they just prescribed antibiotics for her. Now, I'm not complaining that I have to pay medical bills for my pet, but she seems extremely prone to costing us money illness. I guess Vader is, too, between the IBS and then that time he ate all those rubberbands and Q-tips and pieces of Christmas tree -- which was weird, because it was March -- and then puked them up on my bed and I rushed him to the vet all in a panic because I wasn't totally sure what was going on. When I called to tell the vet what had happen she laughed hysterically seemed really concerned and told me to bring him in. They kept him overnight and x-rayed him a bagillion times. But even with all that, Phoebe has turned out to be the more expensive cat. So anyway, I found this article on giving pills to cats so you can all get a glimpse into what life is like in the Kilby household as of late. Remember, we're also giving steroids to Vader so he will get huge and be able to enter a strongman competition to take care of the IBS, but he's a bit better about it since we've been giving them to him for months on end. Enjoy!

How to give a cat a pill in 15 easy steps:


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm -- holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30-40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggen' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little m_____ f___er"s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters left.