And then I remembered people probably hate me and want to see me cry....

Because I'm paranoid, I really do think sometimes that 99.2% of the people around me are generally annoyed by my very existence. That they tolerate me because:

"She's my sister, and I have to."

"She's my wife's sister, and I have to."

"She's my daughter, so I should at least TRY to like her."

"I married her and now I'm stuck with her."

"My SON married her and now I'm stuck with her (son has terrible taste!)."

"My brother married her and now I'm stuck with her (brother has terrible taste!)."

"She brought me into her house and fed me and made me fat, and I have to be nice to her to live here." (this one applies to my cats) (it's also possible it will apply to my daughter some day) (although I hope I teach her better eating habits than I have so she doesn't have to include the "made me fat" part).

So, yeah, paranoia abounds. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, though. I'm well medicated.

So I was (and still am) all excited for my baby shower on Saturday. Because, guys, I GET TO HAVE A BABY SHOWER BECAUSE I'M HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, that's HUGE.

Then I had a horrible dream. A dream that made me remember high school.

High school was not the most shiny, happy moment in my lifetime. It wasn't horrible by any stretch of the imagination. I have wonderful, awesome, incredible friends from high school. Friends that put up with me during a time when I all but totally ignored them for my boyfriend (not Brian). Friends who were right there for me as soon as said boyfriend and I were splitsville, and who took me back in as if nothing had happened (I'm pretty sure I apologized. If not, I apologize for not apologizing, and I will apologize again when I see you).

Anyway, because of the aforementioned ignoring of everyone around me but said high school boyfriend for about three and a half years, and also because I graduated from high school a semester early and went immediately to college, my graduation party was a big, giant flop. I don't talk about it much, because it's still massively depressing. Only my above-mentioned wonderful, incredible friends showed up, along with the high school boyfriend, who almost didn't bother because of ... I don't know why, but he eventually came, reluctantly.

Honestly, that was plenty of people and at this point in my life I prefer small groups. But we planned for about 100 people. My parents spent a lot of money on food and decorations and we planned and planned and then......almost no one came. It hurt my feelings. Like, A LOT. It made me feel like a moron. Like, A LOT. But it really was my own fault. I should have been more social in high school.

I'm still not an overly-social person. Whether it's scars from high school plus scars from 7th grade (OMG, don't even get me started on freaking 7th grade. Horrible. Horrible. Teased for an entire year. Had to switch schools. HORRIBLE), or maybe just my general nature, I don't know, but I'm not very social.

So, anyway, I'm all excited for my baby shower, thinking all these people are going to come and it's going to be this great celebration, and then I had a dream that no one came. Exactly like my high school graduation party. NO. ONE. CAME. No one wanted to celebrate with me for whatever reason.

So now I'm kinda freaking out. And by "freaking out" I mean "incessantly checking my registries to see if people are buying things, because if they are, that means they're coming, but if they're not, that means my bad dream is going to come true on Saturday."

And things aren't really coming off my registries very fast. Not that people should have to buy off of them. Not that they can't make a decision to buy something completely different...or nothing at all...and still come to my shower. But I'm irrationally using the registries as a gauge by which to measure how many people are coming. So far, I count three (not including hostesses, my mom, and myself).

Three people at my baby shower would probably feel a lot like my graduation party. And as much as I know that people probably DON'T hate me and want to see me cry, I'm still sitting here worrying about it. Because I'm paranoid. Did I mention that already?

Gah!