Five things to never say to an infertile couple

I found this on a friend's blog today. I'm adding my own comments in green so you can tell they're mine.

"Please don't misinterpret the meaning of this writing. It isn't to yell at you if you have said any of these things in the past or verbally spank you. It isn't to make you feel bad for having said the wrong thing before. It isn't because infertile couples are pissed at the world. The point of my writing this is to give you, your friends, your loved ones a little insight on how your words may actually come out, although they are said with the greatest of intentions. Most of the things below have been said to me and other infertile couples by people who absolutely love us, by people who wish nothing but goodness for us, by friends and relatives who care for us deeply. Do I think people say these things out of malice? Absolutely not. I think people have pure hearts when they give the advice they give below, but no matter how good your intentions, sometimes it's just not the right thing to say. So please read this knowing that I am writing this not to make you feel bad but in order to spare another infertile person from having their feelings stepped on. I am writing this in order to help you understand how painful infertility is and how you can help ease that pain if even just a little bit. I am writing to spread the word. Please do the same. Copy this, hand it out, send it to others, send it in an e mail, put it on a bumper sticker. In this day and age we all know or will know somebody who will have fertility issues.

1) "Just relax and it will happen." or "Maybe you're trying to hard." or "Maybe you guys should just get drunk and take a vacation, that's how it happened for ______." Those statements sting, aren't always true and are very hurtful when you are honestly infertile (explained or unexplained). Telling a couple to relax places blame on the couple, as if it is their fault for not getting pregnant. (If you weren't so worried you'd get pregnant). It also minimizes the couple's concerns/fears and feels like you're blowing their fears of never having a child off. (Quit your crying it will happen. RELAX!) Basically that statement says to me "Geesh infertile friend, if you didn't WANT a baby so badly you surely would have one by now."

Don't tell the story of the one couple who adopted and then got pregnant right after. This is another version of the "relax" comment. You have to realize that that is NOT the norm. You hear about it because it's unusual. It's like telling somebody out of work not to look for a job because they could win the lottery.

No amount of relaxing would have gotten me or the millions of other couples who suffer with fertility issues pregnant. Infertility is (often times) a health issue that requires action. You don't relax to get rid of pneumonia and you don't relax to deal with infertility.

A more appropriate response would be something like, "Wow that's really awful you're having such a hard time." or "I hope things turn around for you quickly." or even just "Geesh (insert infertile friends name) that really sucks, you guys don't deserve that at all."

2) Be careful how you bring God into it no matter how harmless you think your statement is or how strong your faith in God is or how much you absolutely believe in what you're saying. Try not to say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan, you have to be patient" or "God never gives you more than you can handle."

*** Okay, I'd like to stop here and comment on the fact that I do believe everything happens for a reason, so that one doesn't bother me personally, though it might bother other infertile couples. For all the heartache infertility has given me, it has helped me to grow as a person and I will be a different kind of parent than I would have been had I not gone through it. I'm grateful for the experience. The fact that I hate going through it is completely seperate from the fact that I know that I NEEDED to go through it.

"Although you really do have GREAT intentions and are trying to justify or make sense of something that doesn't make sense, these statements are hurtful and frustrating. When somebody says to me that "everything happens for a reason" I think "what the heck did I do to deserve this then?" or "Why does God give a 13 year old a baby but not me?" or "Why does that crack head have a child but we can't have one?" It doesn't help me have peace, which is what I think the intention is... it's like saying "oh well" and shrugging your shoulders.

Also keep in mind that not everybody is on the same page with God as you are. Believe it or not, fertility issues can even shake a person's faith. Unless you know the person has the same faith as you (goes to your church perhaps) these statements should be avoided.

If you do have a strong faith in God then that is truly wonderful. I don't know anybody (and I have asked around) who is offended by a person offering to pray for them.

*** Most of you reading my blog already know that Brian and I are not particularly religious. We believe in a higher power, we believe that the universe works the way it works for a reason. A good way to describe us would be Agnostic. However, that does not mean we are EVER offended by anyone praying for us or asking God to bless us. After all, if you believe in those things, you are really telling us how much you care about us and you have the absolute best of intentions.

However, we do get offended when anyone tries to push us to go to church or believe what they believe. Using our infertility as a platform for why we should do this is doubly insulting and insanely hurtful.

We're both incredibly stubborn, and trying to push us in your direction will make us run very quickly in the other direction, and probably affect our relationship with you in a negative way if it keeps happening. We would never push what we believe on others, and we expect the same respect and consideration from those around us.

Have you ever heard that expression "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink"? Well, same goes here, except replace "a horse" with "the Kilbys" and "water" with "church" and .... well, you get the idea. You can't force someone to believe the same way you do, no matter how much you believe or how right you know it is.

Okay, that's a seperate issue. I'll stop there.

Alternatives to the abovementioned could be something like "I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I will pray for you." or "That must be so hard to go through, I will pray for strength for you and your husband." or "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." I loved when one person said to me "I will pray for strength, peace and healing for you and your husband. I will also pray for your doctors." Basically pray for me, say prayers, offer prayers, but never try to predict what God is planning for me.

3) Be encouraging without direct comparisons to other infertile couples. I have had numerous people say things like "yeah my cousin had problems too, they gave her clomid and she was pregnant 3 cycles later. It'll happen for you." Another helpful soul said "hey look at so and so, it took them 4 years and then all the sudden BAM they were pregnant!" Four years and BAM? I don't want to wait 4 years to have a child, did you when you were having a kid? Four years equals about 55 cycles. If I went on 55 jobs interviews and didn't get one offer people would be more sympathetic and encouraging then they are then I try having a child for 55 cycles and failing. That's just a lot of failing.

Another extremely hurtful comment is "well if you can't there are always other alternatives" Yes, there are, but I just shared with you that we're having difficulties, I can't even wrap my head THAT sometimes let alone thinking about other alternatives right now. And let's not forget the fact that we'd like to have our own biological child if at all possible. I want to see my own eyes looking back at me, smiling my husband's crooked smile.

Have you ever looked into adoption? It's not like you can just get in a line and order up one small child with a side of happiness. It's extremely costly, emotionally draining and sometimes doesn't even end in a child being placed in your arms. Please don't make the alternatives sound like easy peasey second nature. They are very tough emotional decisions.

*** Giving up the dream of having your own biological child is a tough one. Brian and I have discussed adoption, but neither of us are ready for it. If we adopt a child, I want it to be because we're really excited about adoption, and not because it's a last resort for us to be parents. I don't think it's fair to adopt a child if you aren't in that place when there are millions of other couples out there who ARE ready and ARE excited and want to adopt so badly.

Some alternatives to these phrases would be "That's really terrible news but I hear they're making leaps and bounds in medicine these days, hopefully there is something out there that can help you guys." or "I'm sorry to hear, I know how badly you want to be parents. I'll be here to listen any time you need to talk." Anything that encourages without direct comparison to other couples is great.

4) Please do not tell me I should be thankful for what I have and to count my blessings. Just because I am telling you I am infertile does not mean I am not thankful for what I have. To say such a thing is insulting.

When you hear your best friend's dad has cancer do you say "oh that's too bad, but look at how much other stuff you have?" No, of course you wouldn't. So don't do it to somebody who just found out her lifelong dream of becoming a mother may not ever happen for her. And yes, some people do dream of being a parent all of their life, both men and women.

*** Please trust me when I tell you that I KNOW how wonderful my life is. I have awesome friends, awesome family, a husband who I never think I could love more -- and then every day I do, and it always surprises me. I'm happy and healthy and employed, and the people around me are happy and healthy. I really couldn't ask for more, and if my life never changes, I will live happily ever after. That doesn't change the fact that I want a child.

Alternatives to these types of statements are simple things like "I'm sorry, I know there isn't anything I can do, but just know I am here." Or "You're good people, hopefully good things will come."

5) Do not say you know how I feel if you have not had fertility issues yourself, because honestly, you don't know how I feel. And REALLY don't say that if you already have kids.

*** I have a friend who dealt with infertility while trying to get pregnant with her second child. It was incredibly painful for her. I don't think having a child negates the pain of infertility, and doesn't take away a person's right to want more children. I don't think that's what my friend meant when she wrote that, either.

My sister is my best friend. I want that for my children as well, and I can't imagine looking into my child's eyes and wondering if they would ever know what it's like to have that kind of relationship with a sibling.

However, if you had kids by accident, willy-nilly, never had a single fertility problem, and you're standing in front of me with your beautiful family, please don't tell me it'll get better or you understand. You REALLY REALLY don't.

I used to think I could really sympathize with women who couldn't have kids. I honestly thought I could feel a little bit of what they were going through. I could IMAGINE how hard it would be to deal with that... then I actually lived it.

I will tell you it was NOTHING like I thought it would feel like. It was not at all what I imagined those other couples to be feeling. It was worse. It is indescribable and unimaginable. I had NO IDEA what it felt like until I heard those words from the doctor. As heartfelt as I thought I was being before, living through it made me realize how little I actually could relate in the past.

Alternatives are things like "God I can't imagine how that must feel. That's really bad news." Or "I know I could never understand how that must feel for you guys, but I am very sorry." Even "my heart is breaking for you guys" is a nice alternative if that is how you really do feel.

I don't mean you have to walk on eggshells with me or other infertile couples, really don't. But please think before you say anything and if you are even in doubt a simple "I'm so sorry (insert infertile's name)" is so much better and often times much more welcome.

*** I would also like to add, just so everyone knows, that infertility hasn't even remotely affected our marriage. I'm sure that makes us some sort of anomoly, and I'm not sitting here on my high horse saying we did something totally different than everyone else who's dealt with this to have that result, because we didn't. If anything, though, this experience has brought us closer together. It's made me realize that living the rest of my life married to him would make me insanely happy, kids or no kids. I'm glad we've had the last five years together instead of having kids right away. It's made us stronger as a couple and I'm grateful for that.