Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Baby

I've been struggling for a few days to put what's been going on into words. I feel like all I've done is complain lately, which, admittedly, is something I do a lot of anyway, but it's been worse recently. For that reason, I've stopped posting blogs, because I've been waiting for my life to go back into an upswing and for one of those moods to hit me where I feel the overwhelming urge to post about how awesome everything is always. It has yet to happen, and while that's frustrating, I've been trying to find the lesson in it all. I don't know if I've found it yet or not, but the search is at least comforting. It helps me to hope when I know that I can learn something from the adversity.

So to recap, Brian's bike was stolen, and the little shits came back for my bike the next week. They didn't get it because my neighbor saw them tyring to jump my fence and yelled at them. They wouldn't have gotten it anyway, because my bike is locked to the inside of the shed.

So after that happened, then we had more water in the basement. the humidifier on the furnace was leaking for some strange reason, and when I opened it up the filter was full of slimy, disgusting mold. Water everywhere. Yuck. So we fixed that little problem. Sort of. The filter is still soaking in a five-gallon bucket of bleach and hot water in the basement shower. I haven't gotten the guts up to finish the job yet.

My basement is still torn up, and my cats keep crapping on the glue that's left on the floor. I'm not totally sure what that's about. I did spray it down with Clorox Cleanup the other day, though, and that seemed to eliminate the problem for now.

We had to take Phoebe (the cat) back to the vet yet again, because she continues to sneeze incessantly. They've now decided it was allergies. Apparently, my suggesting that it might be allergies since May meant nothing or fell on deaf ears, because they suggested it to me this time as if it were a new idea. Whatever. She's now on antihistamines and seems fine.

I'll also just stick in here all the drama with my sister-in-law and her husband that has been stressing us out since May.

All of this, though, is nothing compared to the fact that Brian's uncle Roland died on Thursday. Roland is my mother-in-law's brother, and was quite possibly one of the sweetest men I'd ever met in my life. He and his wife Carol were genuinely good people with such big hearts. Their two kids, Jessica and Josh, are wonderful, as well.

Roland died of a massive heart attack after having surgery to remove a large splinter. At least that's my understanding of the situation. It was a freak thing, and totally unexpected. The family is a wreck and having a terrible time dealing with this tragedy. We went to the visitation yesterday and the funeral today.

On top of that, Saturday Brian's dad called to let us know that his dad (so Brian's grandpa) is in the hospital and probably won't make it through the week. We went up to see him, and as soon as I saw him I started bawling. He looks terrible. I wish he weren't suffering like he is, and there's not much they can do for him. He can barely talk, he can't swallow anything because all liquid goes straight to his lungs, so they're feeding him intravenously and allowing him to have swabs with water on them to keep his mouth moist. Other than that, they're just keeping him comfortable. He has a lot of small problems that are culminating in this one huge inevitability: We're not going to have him with us much longer.

So we're going to have to do the whole funeral thing over again soon. One funeral a year is about my limit, and two within a short period of time is just plain cruel. I can't stand the fact that there's nothing I can do to make anyone feel better, especially Brian. I hate it when he's sad.

Like I said, I'm still trying to find the lesson in all this, because I can't imagine our family would be put through so much without one. I don't suppose I'll have it figured out until it's all over. All I know is we need some happy news. Something good to happen that would give everyone something to look forward to and be hopeful about.

So this brings me back to not being able to get pregnant, because I know that if I were pregnant, that would make just about everyone in my family feel better. But that's unfortunately out of my control as well. The fact that it's the one thing that I could do to give everyone something to look forward to, and I can't do it, just makes me even more frustrated with this whole freaking process.

On that front, this is my last month of Femara, and if I'm still not pregnant, I'll be going back to Iowa City. I'm pretty sure the next step is injectibles. I'm hoping I can will myself to be pregnant so I don't have to shoot myself in the ass with hormones. I really hate needles.

My thought for this afternoon is that things can really only get better. We're going through a lot of stuff right now, but it won't last forever. The dark clouds will eventually clear and everyone will be able to smile again soon, and I think we all have to keep that in mind and look forward to that day, because dwelling on what's happening now doesn't do any good. We can't change any of it.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.