Drifting......

I've never been an overly social person. Introverted. Shy. Quiet. Low self-confidence. ANXIOUS. These are all words that have described me throughout my entire life. I've dealt with it. Things have made it worse, things have made it better, but I've dealt with it. I've made friends, I've dated, I've gotten married, I've kept in touch.

Until the infertility.

The infertility has exacerbated everything I've struggled with my entire life. My intense want to just stay at home. My need to be understood, and my strong inclination to only stay close to those who actually do understand. My anxiety.

The anxiety is the root of all of it. I don't remember a time I wasn't anxious. Even as a child, I remember worrying constantly. Worrying about what people thought of me, how they were feeling, what they were doing, whether or not they were happy, and if they weren't happy, if I was somehow responsible for it. I remember feeling a palpable tension in my house as a child. It probably had nothing to do with me....and yet it had everything to do with me. I was a "surprise," for lack of a better word. Some would call me an accident. The result of irresponsibly-taken birth control. I'm sure my parents were happy to have me. They loved me, still do, but I was a stressor. I cost money. I cost time. I COST. And I knew it. Not because my parents were somehow deficient, or because they told me, I just....knew. It was instinct.

I remember my uncle going to jail. He had (well, has, because it never goes away) a drug problem, and spent about four years in prison in Florida when I was a child. I adored him, and his going away hurt me more than he will ever know. I'll probably never tell him. There's no point. He feels badly enough about what he's done to everyone in this family without my adding to that.

He sent me drawings that his cellmate did when he wrote me letters. They were really good. I remember specifically thinking, "Why is his friend in jail when he can draw this well? He should be doing something else."

He called from time to time. My sister and I were the only nieces (or nephews) he had, and even though I don't remember the conversations very well, I remember knowing that he cared. I had this huge puzzle shaped like the United States, and the states each had a little peg on them, and when you lifted them you saw the capitol of that state underneath. He would tell me to pull out the puzzle and find Florida, because that's where he was.

I remember when he got out of jail. I got a new dress, pink and black with big pink buttons on it. Ah, the '80s. Such a tragic fashion decade. We went to the airport to pick my uncle up, and he wasn't there. His flight was delayed for one reason or another, but as a child I didn't understand that, and was terribly disappointed. I remember riding back to my grandparents' house in their car. I was in the backseat, and I remember the smell of the leather seats and the way they felt on my legs, and I remember saying, "It's all my fault. He's not here because of me."

No one bothered to correct me, but where in the world did I get that? I was 7 years old. There was no reason for this to be my fault, yet I blamed myself.

Every year in October, my uncle falls back into his old ways. True to form, he did it again this year, but this time he checked himself in to rehab, something I give him massive credit for. He's now staying with my parents until he figures things out. I'm not the only one my uncle's antics have affected, so I'm not looking for sympathy as far as this goes. He has a son and a wife who I'm sure have all been much more affected by this than I ever will be, not to mention my mom and aunt and grandparents.

I'm talking about this more to demonstrate the weird anxiety that I've always dealt with, and to try to get others to understand to some extent.

Back to the infertility. That's made all of this anxiety worse. Many people don't understand. I have a few friends and/or members of my family who have indirectly let me know that I'm neglecting them and they don't appreciate it.

I'm not trying to neglect anyone. I'm trying to keep myself from having a nervous breakdown. There are very few people in my life who truly understand what I'm going through, and even fewer who don't judge me for the way I deal with it.

Am I being selfish? Absolutely. After 3 1/2 years of this, I am giving myself permission to be selfish, because I don't know what else to do. I don't know how else to keep myself from cracking under the stress and the depression and the anxiety. I miss someone I've never even met. Every month when I get my period, it's like that person dies all over again. It's all I can do some days to pull myself out of bed.

I don't know how to cope with this while simultaneously keeping every relationship in my life healthy, so I have selfishly chosen to keep my marriage healthy first, my relationship with my sister and parents healthy second, and it trickles down from there.

So If you feel neglected by me in any way, I apologize. I realize that you all have your own issues going on, your own problems, your own worries. I'm not trying to downplay any of that. I realize that everyone needs someone to lean on, and for a long time I was the one they came to. I can't be that person anymore for everyone. There are a select few who I can be there for, but I can't do it for everyone all the time. I'm not stable enough right now, and I don't know when I will be.

If I've lost your friendship because of this, I regret that. In this process I've drifted from people for the above-listed reasons. I've also drifted toward people. It's brought me closer to people who were at one time merely acquaintances, and who are now my closest friends. You know who you are. You're the ones I turn to when I need support, and vice versa. You're the ones who understand that even though you don't get phone calls or e-mails from me on a regular basis, that I'm thinking of you and that I love you. You're the ones that know that I'm hurting so badly right now that it's hard from me to express it and it's hard for me to be social a lot of the time. You're the ones who have kept me afloat.

I'm apologize to the rest of you, but I also don't want the guilt trip anymore, passive-aggressive or otherwise. If you're my friend or family member, I love you, and you mean the world to me, even if I don't always show it. Someday, I'll be back to normal. Someday, I'll be a good friend and family member again. Part of being a friend to someone is accepting them in times of trial, no matter how long those trials last. I'm asking you to do that for me. You can be intolerant of me silently. I would be. I AM. LOL. But please at least pretend to be supportive. If you can't do that, follow the old golden rule: "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

I'm trying.