Except it is. This is different because we're running out of options, and we're both also running out of the emotional stability required to deal with this. This month, logically, was just our best chance of succeeding. When we were in Iowa City two weeks ago and decided to do the IUI, my logical side kicked in and said, "Yes, we need to do this. Look at all the facts. Everything is lined up. It'll work."
My emotional side, however, still said, "Eh, do what you want. Nothing is ever going to work."
I chose logical, and I'm about to be disappointed yet again. I'm getting crampy, my test was negative, and I will be nursing horrible cramps this weekend, I can pretty much guarantee it. Such is life, I suppose.
Yes, it could still be early, and yes, the cramps could still be pregnancy signs, but let's face reality here, people: We've been trying to get pregnant for 3 1/2 years. That's 42 months; roughly 1,260 days; 30,240 hours of waiting, practically holding our breath, for that moment that we can say, "We have a baby on the way."
We're tired of holding our breath, tired of living in this vacuum without hope, where life cannot progress until we're parents.
We talked tonight about the next steps. I told Brian that I'm tired of putting my body through all this when I just know nothing will work. I told him the options I'm juggling are do we go ahead with another round of Femara, but this time with injections and then another IUI; do we do another laproscopy to remove my endometriosis, then do an IUI immediately afterward; do we do the laproscopy, then move straight to IVF afterward; or do we just jump right to IVF, which ahs a 60% success rate, rather than the 20% success rate with the IUI? Which of these is the best option?
If it weren't for money, I'd say let's just move to IVF. The success rate is better, and with all the eggs I have, we may only have to do egg retrieval once. Brian is scared of IVF. Not because of the possibility of multiples or because it's invasive or expensive. His concern is then that's it. That's our last option for a biological child. If IVF fails, we're done. Granted, we could try it a few times, but still......and I get that. That's where I was a while ago. If we stop trying now, we can still kind of assume we could have gotten pregnant, and we just don't know. If we exhaust all options, then we KNOW, and there's no longer hope.
If you're reading this, your instinct is probably to tell me, "It's okay, Cort. Stay positive, it'll happen." With all due respect and appreciation for your effort to make me feel better, don't. You don't know if it'll happen. You don't know that someday Brian and I will have children. Right now, we're not ready for adoption or surrogacy, and we may never be ready, so that leaves is with this prospect that we may always be childless.
And honestly, we could live happily with no children. We're happy together, and we'd have more expendable income and blah, blah, blah. Problem is, we both will always have this intrinsic need to procreate, and we're not totally sure how to get through that.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry about the test. I've been hoping and praying for a positive, and I'm sorry you've been let down again.
I'm glad that you and Brian had a good discussion about it. You started out as a couple first, and it's important to keep that relationship nourished and healthy regardless of whether children enter the picture or how they get there. Some couples get so focused on making the baby that they lose each other.
I know every feeling you've mentioned. Part of you wants to give up, especially when the evidence of not being pregnant arrives. Then a few days later you decide you're not giving up. It's a horrible emotional roller coaster. I've told you many times that it took us ten long, hard, emotional years of trying. Not one month went by that we didn't try. Finally, at the ripe old age of 35, I decided no matter what, I'd go as far as I could because I didn't want to look back and say, "What if we would've tried..." I was willing to do IVF, no matter what the cost. I wanted a baby so bad, and I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything I could do to make it happen. After going on Follistim and Femara mixed with IUI, I found out I was pregnant -- after the third round. Not only was I pregnant, but I was pregnant with quadruplets! So no matter what today looks like, tomorrow you're going to want to try again. I strongly encourage you not to give up, not to stop dreaming. Do as many IUI's as the doctor will allow (mine would only do, at most, five). Then move on and do a round of IVF. IUI is much cheaper than IVF, but in today's economy, IUI is better than no chance at all. All I can tell you is hang on and keep trying. When you're down, pick yourself up yet again and try another month.
Christina
I'm sorry, Cortney. Frick. Honestly, I really do know how you feel. You are starting to realize that you may never get pregnant and give birth, and it's scary as hell. I remember that feeling well, and I hate that you're feeling it. I always called it "what if never" and it was the worst.
I wish so much that I could see the future and promise you that your dreams will come true. I wanted to give you a link to my IVF clinic in case you end up going that route. http://www.fcionline.com/aboutus_highlandparkivfcenter.htm They are amazing; the lab there managed to take my few crappy eggs and help them become babies. You may notice that the success rates are slightly lower than some other clinics, but that is influenced by the fact that they draw the toughest cases in the area. They also have a program where you can get a refund of part of the costs, if you don't have insurance coverage for IVF.
I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that you won't get to that point. This would all be so much easier if you knew the outcome, wouldn't it?
~Paula (still can't remember that password, darn it!)
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