Anyway, I was reading a blog today where the blogger told a story about going to a baby shower. It was awful, and I could totally relate. I left her a comment that was essentially this, though I left out a lot about Sarah‘s two babies and the like on the comment, because I didn‘t want to make things worse for her:
Been. There. I went to one of my best friend's baby shower two years ago. My husband and I were going on two and a half years with no babies, despite fertility treatments and drugs and dildocams galore, but I thought nothing of it because it was for Sarah, and she’s one of my best friends in the entire world. Love Sarah. She was the first person to speak to me the first day of 8th grade when I was the new girl and knew no one. She’s always been there for me, so not going to her shower never even occurred to me. She now has the most adorable little boy, Kaden, and is pregnant with a girl.
And as a game at this shower, we all had to go around the room and give advice to the new mom. Someone before me said, "Well, I'm not a mom, but.." and I was all, "Fuck, I'm going to have to preface this with, ‘I'm not a mom.’ I might as well say, ‘My uterus is a colossal failure. She is a spectacular underachiever. I'm not sure I'm even really a woman, but…’”
I think I just said, "I'm not a mom, but..." but I couldn't get the rest out because I started sobbing hysterically. Almost everyone in the room knew what was going on with me, so they understood, but it still sucked the big one. I still spent the remainder of the day in tears. I boycotted all baby showers since that time. Even now being pregnant, I don't know if I could go to a baby shower. The scars are still too deep.
Baby showers are the ultimate torture for an infertile. As someone commented on this person’s blog, it’s the Infertiles’ 10th Circle of Hell. They talk about babies! And more babies! And how irresponsible people who do fertility treatments and end up with multiple babies! are. (There is always an exclamation point after the word “babies” or “baby” at a baby shower, even when judging the sheer volume of babies! or others' choices about babies!). And then they turn to all the women of childbearing age in the room and say something to the effect of, “So, when are you going to start having kids?”
The proper response to this question is generally, “Oh, we’re thinking about it,” or something equally vague. I usually spilled my guts about being a genetic disappointment and how hard it all was and whaaaaa, cryyyyyy, feel sorry for meeeeeee. This was, however, an attempt to not scream and yell and tell people to fuck off. I figured they’d rather hear my sob story than be told where they could shove their shiny, happy baby thoughts.
And then come the gifts. Oh, the gifts. Cute little socks and onesies and shoes and hats and cards so sugary sweet they’ll give you diabetes (or “The Dibeetus” as Jennepper would say).
*Side note: To read Jennepper’s blog about what not to say to infertile people, go Here. It’s hysterical, especially the part about legs. Warning: There is some "language," but, honestly, if you read my blog a little bit of "language" probably doesn't bother you.
Also, someone said the dreaded, "I just look at my wife and she gets pregnant," to us over the weekend, and I still almost screamed. CongratuFuckingLations, douchebag. I hope you and your wife and your 200 children will be very happy.
Yeah, being pregnant doesn't make it better, unfortunately.
So to any of you having issues, if you don’t come to my baby shower, I will totally understand and support that decision. To any of you who are pregnant and have friends having issues, try to remember how hard it’ll be for them to attend baby showers when they can’t have one of their one, and be understanding. Infertiles may seem self-absorbed much of the time, but it’s really the only way to get through what they’re going through. It’s self-protection in its most basic form.
1 comment:
Thank you for another eye-opening post. It's not something I'd ever considered.
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