Shit that's happened since the last time shit happened.....

I went to the doctor, as mentioned in the previous blog entry.  The doctor wouldn't shut up for very long.  Definitely not long enough for me to express my concern about my increasing pain and also steadily increasing tolerance to Vicodin (taking four makes a small dent in my pain.  Kind of).  He wanted me to stay on the pill continuously, no placebos, which equals no periods, until I wanted to have another baby.

 

My nurse practitioner disagreed.  Strongly.

 

So I went to get a second opinion from the doctor who delivered Ellie.  He listened.  He wants to put me on Depo Lupron injections for six months.  Basically, they shut down the reproductive organs, sending me into a pseudo-menopause for six months, which will eradicate any endometriosis I have lurking in my muscle tissue.  He said he thinks it's highly likely I have some in there, and doing a laparascopy won't get at that stuff, so I'll end up having unnecessary surgery.  If I'm still having pain at the end of the six months, then we'll do a laparascopy to remove residual endometriosis.  Then he told me that really what I need to do is have all the babies I want to have, then have a full hystorectomy, because until I do that I'm never going to feel "good" or "normal."  Not that I would know what "good" or "normal" felt like, since I've never felt either.  I suppose it's good that I don't know what I'm missing. 

 

I asked what the side-effects of Lupron were, because I took a low dose of it while doing my IVF, and it gave me horrible, horrible headaches.  I've heard horror stories from people who have been on it the way he wants to administer it to me for my endometriosis, and they said it was awful, they'd rather die.  He said some patients don't notice anything.  He said his sister is a very easygoing, mild-mannered person, and she noticed nothing while on Depo Lupron.

 

So, just for your information, here are a few words and/or phrases that have never ,in my 29 1/2 years of life, been used to describe me:

 

1.  "Easygoing"

2.  "Mild-mannered"

3.  "Breezy"

4.  "Calm"

5.  "Unconcerned"

6.  "Patient"

7.  "Complaisant"

8.  "Even-tempered"

9.  "Carefree"

10. "Serene"

 

These are all words that are the exact opposite of me. They probably describe the me in an alternate universe.  The one Brian would probably much rather be married to.

 

He said some have mild hot flashes and that's it, and some have complete psychotic breaks and have to be put on heavy-duty antipsychotics to regulate them until the treatment is over. 

 

Clearly, this man doesn't understand that I'm about 80% of the way to a complete psychotic break already.  Or he does, and he gets his jollies on giving women that tiny, little nudge they need to push them right over the edge.  I should have asked him if I could just get a dose of those heavy-duty antipsychotics with my Lupron shot, along with an add-in of estrogen for good measure, just to avoid the problems I'm positive I'm going to end up having from this.

 

Doesn't that all sound lovely?  I was tempted to ask him to give me the shot right then and there.  Where do I sign up?  Let's TOTALLY. DO. EXACTLY. THAT.  

 

A decision has to be made this week, pretty much, about what to do, because the other option, I suppose, is to just get pregnant again ASAP.  The reason we have to make that decision by this week is because I can switch my insurance up until November 30 of this year.  I'm currently on the only plan the State of Iowa offers that doesn't cover infertility treatments, which I will obviously need, because "get pregnant again ASAP" for us means "Enter into the fantastic world of shots, dildocams, invasive egg retrievals, and Brian's own personal porn palace and intimate relationship with a specimen cup at the U of I," rather than just "Have some sex.  Tada!  Here's a baby!"

 

***Meanwhile, in another part of the state***

 

Friday November 19 was the anniversary of the death of our friend Maidul. And, oh, we miss him.  So much.  It's so weird to look at his pictures, even two years later, and realize he's gone.  Actually gone.  Never going to hug him or talk to him or watch him freak out when he'd drinking hard liquor every again.  He never got to meet Ellie, which really gets me when I think about it.  He was so excited for us to have a baby, and knew how we struggled.  It's terrible that she'll never know him. 

 

Our friends in Cedar Rapids like to get together on this date in memory of him.  Brian and I are of the opinion that, instead of getting together on the day that he died, we should get together on his birthday (which is not until February 23) to celebrate his life.  Others disagree, so, even though we didn't really want to, we went to Cedar Rapids this weekend.  Partly for this, and partly because our goddaughter Frances' 5th birthday party took place on Saturday (which we were excited about and really wanted to go to).  Our friends arranged a babysitter for us, because we didn't plan ahead well, and the plan was to put Ellie to bed, then go out, leaving the sitter there to call us if Ellie woke up.

 

You can see where this is going, right? 

 

No dice.  New place + unfamiliar bed + people she doesn't know well = TOTALLY TODDLER FREAKOUT OMG.

 

Needless to say, I didn't end up going out.  I'm kind of glad I didn't, because it apparently turned into a a big, emotional mess where one of our friends ended up throwing a chair and then trying to walk home, among other mishaps.  We all get very emotional this time of year because of Maidul's death, so I didn't expect them to come back saying, "Woohoo!!  We had a great time!!!"  But still.......

 

Also, we found out our air mattress has a slow leak.  It starts out fairly comfy and stable, but by morning you're sort of buried in it because it's deflated throughout the night.  Brian was too drunk to notice it, plus he seems to be able to sleep through anything, but I couldn't take it and ended up on the couch with Frances' comforter by morning.

 

We stopped by the house Maidul owned with his wife when he was alive on Sunday before leaving town.  His brother lives there now, along with his mom when she's in the U.S. (she still lives in Bangladesh).  Maheda, his mom, has adopted all the children of our group as her grandkids, which I think is incredibly sweet and wonderful.  She speaks English, albeit broken, and once sent me a message on Facebook saying, "Eliza will be surprised when she grow up and has Bangladeshi grandma."  I cried when I read that. 

 

Anyway, we got to say hi to Maheda and she bought Ellie a few little Christmas gifts, and she seemed like she was holding up fairly well.  I hope so.  I worry about her.

 

Also, things in the realm of my sister's divorce have gone downhill once again.  Her husband is dating one of my friends, which, WTF?  I can't believe my friend would do that, especially since she knew EXACTLY what she was getting into.  I mean, she sat and let me vent about the entire situation a few weekends ago, and didn't bother to stop me and say, "Ya know, I should mention, I'm dating your brother-in-law, so this might not be appropriate for me to hear."  Instead, she just let me blab on and on and on, and I never found out about them dating until two weeks later when my sister found out.  From her 4-year-old.  Because they had pizza with the new girlfriend and her son.  Which my sister has a huge problem with because she doesn't want the girls confused, and they had agreed not to introduce the girls to anyone unless they'd dated for a while and were serious.  Apparently, "a while" to my brother-in-law = six weeks.  So, anyway, things are bad.

 

But, on the brighter side of things, we put up our Christmas tree last night, and played Christmas music.  Brian doesn't have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving this year, so we plan on taking Ellie down to the Festival of Trees on that day, and I'm soooo excited about that.  It was my favorite Christmas event when I was a kid.  Tons of beautifully decorated trees, all in one place, along with Santa, and dance recitals...it's magical.  We're also planning on taking her to the Christmas walk in the quaint little neighborhood filled with tiny shops the following weekend, which was also one of my most favorite things when I was a kid.  So my life is good (despite the uterus drama).  I just wish I could fix everyone else's.