And this is why we're still married.........

So have I talked about Phoebe before? This is Phoebe:

She's super classy. Also, she weighs about 15 pounds more than this now. One might refer to her as "portly." We tend to refer to her as "fatass."

We found her on our back steps about two years ago. We tried to find her a home, but no one wanted her, so we kept her.

Phoebe has allergies. She sneezes. A lot. And when she sneezes a lot, snot flies out of her nose. It's pretty gross. We have her on antihistamines, but she still continues to sneeze.

Brian is convinced the solution to the sneezing is giving her baths. I think he's probably right. He gave her a bath in the sink a few weeks back, and she stopped sneezing for about a week. This bath consisted of a can of tuna that she ate while he sprayed and scrubbed her down. It was surprisingly non-bloody for Brian. I expected much more carnage.

So last night I was taking a bath. Not in the sink. I don't fit in the sink. Brian came in with Phoebe, and told me not to drain the tub when I was done, because he was going to give her a bath. I gave him a look.

You know the look I'm talking about. All wives have it. It's the I-don't-think-that's-a-great-idea look. It could also be interpreted as the I-think-you-and/or-the-cat-are-going-to-regret-that look.

He gave me the What?-we've-given-her-a-bath-before-and-it-worked-just-fine look.

I shrugged and gave him the whatever-it's-your-funeral look and let him do his thing.

I just didn't think the dunking her straight into the water approach would go over as well as the feeding her tuna while she is gently and gradually sprayed with water approach.

And, yes, we often have completely non-verbal conversations. It freaks people out sometimes. Our goal is to get to a point in our marriage where we only communicate by eye squints and eyebrow raises. Or telepathically, but I think we'll both need medical procedures for that, and I don't know if we're willing to go there. I guess we'll see.

So I got out (no rope and pulley system needed, thankyouverymuch), and he proceeded to lift fatty Phoebe into the tub. She started to yowl. Not surprising. He ignored her. She started to wiggle. He ignored her. He got her all the way into the water and she FREAKED THE FUCK OUT and tried to make a run for it.

He quickly wrapped her in a towel and gave up on the cat bath. Also, he was completely soaked by this time.

I gave him the you-should-have-used-a-can-of-tuna look, and he responded with the we're-out-of-tuna-I-pointed-that-out-to-you-last-night-when-I-was-trying-to-find-something-to-make-for-dinner-all-we-have-is-canned-crab-why-the-fuck-do-we-have-canned-crab? look.

I ignored that.

Later we were downstairs watching tv and Phoebe wouldn't cuddle with Brian, only me. This is unusual, since she's a whore. A cuddle whore, but still, she'll cuddle on anyone willing to pet her. Seriously, WHORE.

He complained a bit about this, and I said, "Well, she's probably pissed off you dunked her in the tub."

He said, "I didn't hear you trying to stop me."

*Ahem, of course you didn't hear me. We were communicating with facial ticks*

I said, "In my general experience, you are the type of person who doesn't believe the stove is hot until you've scalded both of your hands and possibly your feet on it, so as to test to make sure the ENTIRE stove is hot, so I just let you do what you wanted."

He gave me the whatever-I-don't-care-what-you-think-it-could-have-worked-even-without-the-tuna-screw-you look.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we spent last night. And the fact that both of us found it entertaining is why we're still married.

Phoebe is still sneezing, by the way. And still fat. But a bath isn't going to fix the fat anyway.